Why the Way You Communicate Might Be the Most Important Thing to Know About Yourself

Have you ever replayed a conversation in your head and thought, “how did we end up here?” You said one thing, they heard another, and now there's this wall between you that neither of you quite knows how to get around. Most of us assume we're pretty decent communicators, until we're not. Until we're standing in the kitchen having a fight about a phone, or on a trip with friends wondering why we feel so exhausted by everyone else's happiness.

That's the conversation Candace opens in this week's episode.

Meet Jason VanRuler

Jason VanRuler is a licensed therapist, coach, speaker, and author, and he's spent his career trying to figure out why the same words land so differently depending on who's saying them and who's listening. His most recent book, Discovering Your Communication Type, lays out a framework he calls PATHS -- five communication styles that most of us default to without ever naming them.

But before any of that, Candace asks him to set the resume aside. She wants to know about eight-year-old Jason.

Jason says at eight he was already journaling, already wearing penny loafers and a blazer, already dreaming about becoming a psychologist. "There wasn't a lot of career options for me," he says, laughing. What drove that kid, though, wasn't ambition. It was longing. His parents divorced when he was eight, and what followed was a childhood full of chaos and unpredictability. He spent years trying to figure out how to make things different or better. He couldn't, of course. But the question never left him.

The PATHS Framework

Here's the short version: PATHS stands for Peacemaker, Advocate, Thinker, Harbor, and Spark. Jason chose the acronym intentionally. Anytime we communicate, he says, we're on a path to somewhere. Each type has a different orientation, a different goal, a different default.

The Peacemaker wants everyone to be okay. The Advocate cares about what's right and fair. The Thinker values precision, processing everything carefully before speaking. The Harbor creates space for other people's feelings. The Spark lights up a room with energy and momentum.

One of the things that stands out early in the conversation is how Jason grounds each type with encouragement from Scripture. Matthew 5:9 anchors the Peacemaker: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." He didn't invent these types, he says. He just tried to make something rooted in Biblical wisdom that people could actually use. As Jason says, "There's nothing new under the sun."

The Peacemaker: Gift and Cost

Most of the episode focuses on the first type. Peacemakers are the people in the room making sure everyone's okay. They are always aware of and managing the emotional temperature, keeping things pointed in the right direction. Jason describes a school trip chaperone as a perfect example: not deeply invested in any one kid's feelings, just focused on making sure everyone shows up, gets on the bus, and makes it to the hotel.

But here's where Jason gets honest about the cost. He shares a story about a close friend who's a classic Peacemaker. They were on a guys' trip together, and midway through, Jason, who identifies as a Harbor type, checked in with him. His friend was exhausted. He'd been working the whole trip to manage everyone's emotions, keeping the energy right, smoothing over tension before it started. And nobody had noticed. Nobody else was even trying to accomplish the same thing. "That is a lot of work," Jason says.

For Peacemakers, the growth edge is learning to tolerate discomfort in themselves, not just in managing it out of everyone else. Jason puts it plainly: "Can you say one thing that might lead to friction?" For some people, that's nothing. For a Peacemaker, that's enormous. Even something as small as "I don't like that" or "no" can feel like a risk.

When Words Mean Different Things

One of the most clarifying ideas in the episode comes when Jason reflects on his couples retreat work. He'd give every couple the same empathy script to read to each other. Some couples found it transformative. Others were flat. Same words, completely different result. The reason, he eventually figured out, is that it wasn't their type. When something doesn't come from where you naturally communicate, it doesn't feel authentic, and the other person can tell.

That's the deeper insight underneath all of this: we judge ourselves by our intentions, but other people judge us by our words. And if we don't understand where someone else is coming from, we miss them entirely.

A Listener Question That Hits Close to Home

The episode closes with a question from a listener named Bethany, carried over from Season 3, now answered with a licensed therapist in the room. Bethany's husband comes home from long days and zones out on his phone while she's trying to connect. She's tried to bring it up; it never goes well.

Jason's answer is practical and warm. First, he points out that the phone probably doesn't mean to the husband what it means to Bethany. Getting on the same page about what the behavior signals is step one. And then, the pivot: when you bring up a problem, have at least a proposed solution. "If we don't know what we want or need, that conversation's kind of dicey."

But the line that lands hardest is this one: "If it matters to you, it matters to me." That's the reframe for the spouse who thinks it's not a big deal. It doesn't have to matter to you the same way. It matters to your person. That should be enough.

Candace adds something from her own life: she uses her phone to decompress between takes on set. It's not disengagement -- it's resource recovery. She and Jason both land in the same place: whatever the system is, communicate it intentionally. Say it out loud. "Hey, I need 15 minutes, then you've got my full attention."

The free Healthy Connection Guide, including Jason's communication type assessment, is available at candace.com. The series runs six weeks, and Advocates and Thinkers are up next.

BONUS

Check out this EXCLUSIVE behind the scenes photo from filming the podcast!  Whats your FAVORITE small detail?